Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
