everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize