I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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