I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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