you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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