I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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