shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
