spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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