I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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