Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
