Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
