Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
