Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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