he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
