Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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