Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
