Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
