tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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