Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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