i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
