so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
