i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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