we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
