Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
