this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
i think i just lost a toe
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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