Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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