You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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