if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
