Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Randomize
