hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
