Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You are a booty call, not a friend.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
