i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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