the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
