I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
