Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
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