She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
