This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
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