True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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