Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
