I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
