i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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