She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
