so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
