Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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