You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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