he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
you had me at cake vodka
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
When are your genitals available?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
