saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
