Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
