it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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