and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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