Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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