Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
