I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
