i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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