Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize