So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
