He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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